Its Not Just Your Heart That Breaks In A Breakup
Often, when we are in a relationship, we start to live and think like interdependent thinkers, so we lose a sense of self or individuality. We think with two different perspectives, perform tasks with two different perspectives, and act while keeping the other person in mind. This is how our own self doesn't just limit itself to us; it's like always carrying the responsibility of two lives.
Sometimes it's just one person who is more involved in the relationship than the other, all because they have a lesser sense of self than their partner. Sometimes, both individuals can have the same level of involvement in a relationship or have the same level of intertwined existence.
[ Entwined Existence : This phrase conveys the idea that your lives are interwoven, creating a sense of inseparable unity. ]
Mostly, teenagers who enter serious relationships during adolescence suffer the most in terms of creating a sense of self after a breakup. This is because during the teenage years, we have not yet developed a strong sense of self. Adolescents are still in the process of forming their self-concept and understanding their place in the world. Relationships can play a significant role in this process as they provide a sense of belonging, validation, and support.
On the other hand, when these relationships end, it disrupts their developing sense of self, leading to feelings of confusion, insecurity, and loss. They may have heavily relied on their partner for emotional support and affirmation, and without that external validation, they may struggle to maintain a positive self-image. Additionally, teenagers may have invested a significant amount of time and energy into the relationship, making it a central part of their identity. The loss of this defining aspect of their lives can leave them feeling empty and unsure of who they are without their partner.
It's important to note that individuals of all ages experience a loss of "sense of self" after a breakup. However, I mentioned teenagers separately because, in most cases, adults have already developed some form of individuality and a sense of self, whereas teenagers often struggle in this regard.
When we come out of a relationship, we often find it difficult to reconnect with ourselves and regain a sense of who we are or our identity, although over time, we will reconnect with ourselves and begin to feel that sense of self again.
The truth is, it isn't just a simple loss of identity but also a loss of a sense of continuity. This means that when we are in a relationship, we often feel that our life is on a stable track and everything is going well. However, after the relationship ends, we can find it difficult to move forward in life as we feel directionless and confused about what has happened. It takes a lot of time to figure everything out and get back on track in our lives
Sense of self
Psychotherapists today are very much aware that our sense of self is typically somewhat fluid. This means that we don't have a single way of being; we change over time, and we possess various facets within ourselves. We adjust our identity and sense of self based on our circumstances and surroundings. It's like a fluid; it takes the shape of the container it's in. Therefore, we don't have a single, unchanging identity; instead, we have multiple self-states that coexist within our overall sense of self.
Role of sense of self in relationships
According to studies in the fields of atatchment and neuroscience , our sense of indentity is often framed within the context of others . Thats why we say things like " he/she bought the best in me " . its not like someone else can actuality make us feel in a certain way but its that we interact with different parts of ourselves in a relationship with others . But this happens when you have already have senses of self , sometimes you also create some new sense of selfs in a relationship and that is what sticks to you after your breakup .
Importance of regaining sense of self after breakup
Often, the sense of self does usually return with time, but there are ways that can make the journey easier for us. A study by Dr. Gillen has found that people with a Sense of Coherence (SOC) become more resilient in such circumstances. SOC, in general, is the feeling that things make sense and will work out in the end. SOC consists of three basic components: a sense that things are comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful. It has been found that SOC provides an additional factor in healing from a breakup. People with a strong SOC manage their pain in part by looking at some of the ways in which they have grown from the experience. Sometimes they see the relationship itself as a learning experience, and sometimes they view the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth, and sometimes a bit of both.
