Life has been great lately. I mean, there were some days when I felt bad, days filled with pain and the ache in my heart. The contemplation of my ex-girlfriend was there, lingering. But there have also been very good days—days where I’ve felt great. I mean, days when I’ve felt at least half alive.
When I look back at my past, I realize I’ve mostly experienced suffering, pain, loneliness, or a neutral state of emotions. I never really felt this good before. Now, maybe—just maybe—something is awakening in me lately. Maybe a new version of me, a little happier, is emerging. Perhaps I’m learning to live life, to accept the things I need to accept. Maybe this is what growing up feels like—when you’ve experienced the truth and gone through it. Wisdom alone isn’t enough to live life; you have to experience truth to truly understand it.
Maybe I’m moving on, too. I feel like I’m experiencing it now—a little happiness. Though I’m afraid this might all be temporary, and the pain, the ache, and the contemplation might come back. Deep down, I know some of that is true; those emotions will strike again. But I believe I’ll be able to handle them this time because the pain will be a little less. I’ve discovered that I can experience happiness regardless of my external environment. It’s proof that I’m not completely dead inside—I still have hope alive within me.
There have been several factors contributing to this shift: my girlfriend, my college, my friends, this new environment, my career ahead. Growing up is exciting sometimes—or at least this moment feels exciting. I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe I won’t feel as excited later, but for now, as I’m moving on, I’m eager to discover this new version of myself. I wonder how much I’ve changed.
I once thought I’d never fall in love again, but now I realize I’m falling in love with many things: my college, my life, my little group of friends—just two or three—but they’re all I need. They’re amazing, especially Affan, who is one of them, along with Yash and Yashi. Then there’s Satyam and Karan. My teachers, too, have played a role, and one of them has become my favorite. I won’t name her, but something about her makes me speechless.
Usually, I know how to talk, what to say, and how to impress people—maybe not a lot, but a little. But when I’m near her or talking to her, I just can’t find the words. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m too busy admiring her to figure out what to say. It feels like my amygdala takes over my prefrontal cortex, and I lose my composure.
Anyway, I’m excited and happy. Let’s see what’s coming next.
