It has been nearly 10 months since my breakup, and some recent events involving my close ones have made me rethink whether I really handled the situation well during my breakup. When I examine the events, I can see where things started to go wrong. At first, I became a little ignorant of my girlfriend—maybe taking her for granted. To be fair, I was new in a city after a lockdown and wanted to enjoy other things too, and perhaps when my attention got divided, things went a little off track. Well, that was managed, and then things were going alright until I did some more things like creating a Twitter account and commenting on other girls' profiles under the influence of my friend Rahul. He managed to get my phone sometimes and comment rubbish on other girls' accounts through my Twitter account. Now that my relationship has ended, I am pretty sure that he was the biggest culprit in my relationship. My ex didn't like him and didn't want me to be with him, and I was a fool who consistently denied breaking my friendship with Rahul.
Well, keeping that for later, after the Twitter incident, everything was going fine. I managed to get hold of things, and I was striving to do my best (as I now think of it). It's no shame to say that we were overdependent on each other, and she was sensitive to things as her family was a little harsh on her too, and during those times, she needed me. But in some of those moments, I could not connect with her. However, I genuinely say that they were not my mistakes, and I always tried to compensate for those times or make some arrangements. Well, things got handled well during those times too.
Then came the time when I went back to Delhi, and before going there, I met an old friend who was going through a breakup, and we went along a bit. I didn't tell Ekta about our meeting because it was just casual, and I was afraid she would take it harshly. But I kept talking to that girl, which was wrong (I take full responsibility for my actions). I should have told her. Eventually, she found out, and that hurt her a lot—I am still so ashamed of my actions. After that, I stopped talking to her, but exceptionally, there were a few times when I went off the rails and talked to that girl, and again I got caught. That was the moment I knew my relationship was really on the edge, but somehow we both got past that. During all these times, I didn't restrict any access to my life’s actions from her. She knew all my friends; she had access to my Gmail ID, my Google Photos, my contacts, and I also introduced her to all my friends. I can swear to God to this day that I loved her a lot and the most and never wanted to hurt her. I tried my best, but after I got caught the second time, things went very wrong. She lost all trust in me and my words and started to slip away a lot. During all these times, when I thought things were going to be alright, my JEE exams were coming, my boards were coming, and there was a lot of academic pressure on me, which made me start drinking and smoking very often. When I was finding all my escapes, I was not able to face Ekta because I was not brave enough to confront her that I was not able to work for our future (like studying—because my studies were affected due to lockdown, I was not able to catch up).
So, I started lying to her and spending more time with my addict friends—not much, but clearly enough that I lost touch with my studies. At that time, I tried to catch up again by joining the library, but I failed. Then I shifted to a flat from the hostel, and things got worse (Ekta used to visit me during those times because she had a lot of exams to give, and the exam centers were mostly in Delhi). As we spent more time together, the intimacy maybe held our relationship a little stronger, and maybe we got along. But then came the time when she talked to Rahul (the biggest culprit and liar; I don't know how this fucker is able to manage faking our friendship and being a snake—he fakes most of his life). On January 2, 2023, I received a call from Rahul late at night, and he started talking about how Ekta was done with me and was going to leave me, and that I had to do something about it (all he was doing was lying). He targeted my weak spots—the spots that affected me in the past (related to Ekta's life). He manipulated the talk he had with Ekta and filled me with agony, pain, and hurt. To this day, I am not able to know what was true and what was not, but I am pretty sure Rahul did that wrong to me. On one hand, he showed me that Ekta talked a lot wrong about me, and on the other, he talked to Ekta about things like I slept with a lot of girls, had sex talks with a lot of girls, and that I am a lusty monster and she shouldn't come near me. He played it all.
The next day, we had a fight (me and Ekta), and I was not able to speak about myself in front of both of them because Rahul manipulated the facts so cleverly that he hit my weak spots—things that I bragged about to Rahul that were made up. He told Ekta all those things as if they were true, and that was the biggest mistake of my life—not taking a stand there and confronting the truth in front of both of them. Well, that fucker tried a lot, but we also got past that because my love was stronger. But of course, these things hurt her, and things became very wrong. While these things were happening, I was badly indulged in drugs and escaping things (which she knew about). When I gave my first attempt at JEE, she came to surprise me, but at that time, I had just started using drugs, and there were proofs in my chat ordering them. When she came to surprise me, I was so happy, but I just couldn't show it because I was afraid that maybe she had already found out about the drugs because she knew all the passwords to my phone and her fingerprint was in my phone.
Well, this was the third major setback in our relationship as she knew I had gone too far. But somehow, we also got past this. The real destruction of our relationship started when I began doubting her about her past because I found some things on her Instagram ID which triggered me. Those things weren’t clear as the chats were gone, but when I asked her, she said it was nothing and explained it to me. I got pretty convinced and left that topic. But something always ate me from inside as she had access to all my life, all my phone and accounts, but when it came to her, I had nothing. I never peeked into her phone; never did I take her phone and look into it.
The time we were going through a fight because I talked to Ayushi, I found out she started talking to her old crush Gaurav. Her life became so secretive when things were not good between us. I ignored so many things because I was a mess at that time. So, when we were past everything and things were going alright, I again started to have doubts. I asked her to give me her email ID, and she refused. I started fixating on that and put a condition that I would only talk to her when she gave me her email ID, and she never did that. So, we didn't talk for like a week, and then we started to fight over this condition but at large gaps. I got busy escaping things again like my JEE results and board results, which went so wrong while I was here waiting for her visit to my flat as I thought I would be able to make everything right because she visited very often, and each time we were able to resolve our fights. But when she came, we had a fight; she hurt me a lot with her words. I begged her to stay, but this time she was serious. She was gone.
The first day of her visit, she started talking so coldly to me and said things which she had carried a long way. I was so weak to let her go. I cried; I begged her not to go, but she was just still. The next day was her exam, and on the morning of her exam, I found out she was having something with Gaurav for the last 1-2 months, and I was unaware—something intimate, which killed me from inside. At the time I was planning how I would compensate for the hurt I caused her, she was with someone else trying to forget about me completely. When I found that out, I was completely broken, dead inside. There was only suicide as the only option left to ease that pain. I even attempted one, but maybe the universe saved me, and deep down I didn’t want her to be involved in such things, making her life worse.
Well, she had her exams, and it was my responsibility to get her to her center safely, so I gathered myself up (she was so cold that she didn’t even try to console me). She kept her harshness, and with that, I reached the exam center with her. While she was inside the center, I was hurting, praying to God that I would die. I smoked a lot of cigarettes that day just to keep myself together. When she came back from the exams, we went back to our flat. She formatted her phone—I don't know why, but she told me it happened accidentally. She went to sleep while I stayed awake looking at her, praying to God that just for a moment she would hug me and say everything would be alright.
But nothing happened. The next day, I went with her to the bus stand to see her off. The weather was dark and cloudy, and rain was about to come. The moment her bus left, it started raining, and I started crying.
Well This Is What Happened
I remember the last time I was with her; she had broken up with me, but I went to the bus station to safely see her off. Holding back tears and feeling a lot of ache in my heart, I watched as she stood in the women's ticket line, purchasing a bus ticket.
I hoped that just once, she would say "everything would be alright and we could give it one last try". I don't know why the weather was cloudy that day, with darkness everywhere and rain about to come.
I wished she would stay with me for just one more day, believing I could make everything right. While she waited, I brought her some Maggie to eat as she was hungry. When the bus arrived, she boarded it, and I felt a lot of anxiety as I watched her leave.
I was a little drunk, trying to gather the strength to ensure she left safely. She told me her phone had been formatted after our fight, and she didn't have any contacts. Luckily, I had her contacts backed up on my phone, which I transferred to her.
As the bus was about to leave, I got off, watching her depart. As the bus left, it started raining, and I couldn't hold back my tears. Somehow, I gathered the strength to return to my flat and took a cab back.
I remember she called me that day and said, "When I was leaving and watching you stand there, I felt nothing." Well, I don't blame her. She was sweet, kind, and loving throughout our relationship. It just didn't work out in the end; maybe people grow apart
From that moment on, I always hoped to see her again. 
