These days are going by smoothly. I have fought my battles and maybe accepted that no one can fight pain - We have to surrender to it. If I make the right decisions, I will eventually be led down the right path which will be right for me. I am done trying to escape my pain daily. Now I am focusing on what my priorities are right now.
I know I am carrying a lot of pain inside - stories I have forgotten, feelings I suppressed, and scars I ignored. When I started rebuilding my identity, which was my initial goal to move on, I thought I would do it alone, away from someone. But I figured out the universe has different plans for you - you are just a piece of this big whole system that functions as it is meant to be, and there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to surrender.
After 4 complete months since my breakup (from when I felt the other person had not even 1% interest in continuing), I finally found the strength to stand up for myself a little and show some courage to stop the other person from constantly coming into my life, giving me hopes that things could come together again. At first, I felt it would be easy for me to leave a passage always open for them to enter my life, so I could love them with what I had left.
But now I know she is not the only person I love - I have responsibilities to my parents and many other people in my life. So it was necessary for me to process my pain and stabilize my mind by accepting she is gone with no intention of coming back. She only comes because she needs something and will keep doing the same. I didn't have a problem with that - for me, loving her was something I would never regret, and I still have feelings for her. So I would have provided her with whatever I could.
But eventually, I realized I would be left with nothing to give if I kept doing it. I was losing whatever I had left every time she came back. So I just decided to let go and focus on my future. After taking that step, just out of confidence, I met someone - I don't know how and I don't want to know. I am just going with the flow, fully aware of what is going on in my life. I have left it to the universe, and she is really a beautiful person - that is all I know about her for now.
But having someone to share things with is a very good thing that can help you in many ways, especially when it maintains balance with your energy. Every man needs feminine energy to function properly, and every woman needs masculine energy to maintain balance. While sharing things with her, I found there was nothing I forgot - yes, I have hazy memories of what happened when I left Delhi and obviously when I last met my ex, during the time I got many heartbreaks and traumas.
( We have started talking again after we broke up in-person when we last met in Delhi , and then recently broke up again in September after failure of my constant effort to keep her )
I thought I was not conscious of what happened then because I was surrounded by so many bad elements that I still regret. But I think our brains are pretty smart and mysterious things. While really opening up with this new person, I found many things buried inside me, and I will keep figuring it out until I understand everything.
The most interesting part I learned is that I have deep wounds that are extremely suppressed and hard to bring out. Like the last day when I was with my ex after we broke up when she hurt me deeply - I went with her to her exam center because she had an exam. I was hurting so much inside, I'm surprised when I look back at how I survived. I felt suicidal, I just wanted one thing - for her to come grab me and fill me with love and I would forget everything that happened. That's all I wanted - for her to hold me, console me, support me. I was so broken.
But she acted so cold, just breaking me more and more. Still, I stayed strong because she was my responsibility - it was my duty to get her home safely. I cared for her deeply, so it suppressed my emotions. I smoked a lot but stayed with her for her exam, then put her on a bus to go home. While telling this story and those 3 days and how I felt to this new person I met, I started crying. But I don't know, I was not able to really cry because maybe I was pushing myself. Still, I wanted to cry and let it out.
The last words I said to her were "I just wanted her to come and tell me everything was okay, hold me together for a little while and make everything okay again." And I started crying slowly and muted the call for a moment. That's all important things that happened to me recently.
