You wonder how dumb it is to love when you have learned almost every aspect of relationships, attachment and the emotions that come with them. The first time it does not feel dumb, but after that, and after that, you have known almost every possible dynamic and you know that you know nothing. You fall in love once more; it is beautiful, fresh like life itself, a hope and maybe even a purpose, yet you still wonder: is it true? Will he or she never leave me the way others did before? Will they really stay this time? And if they love us, why did they love their exes? They shared beautiful memories with them, slept in each other’s arms, made the exact same promises they now make to you and you to them, shared intimate moments, loved them with all their heart. What is different this time? What am I to them? Are they confused, or is this simply how things always work: people fall in love deeply, then they are abandoned or do the abandoning, then they fall out of love slowly, then they fall in love again? Maybe that is the case, but that does not erase your questions, because you need to feel safe, comforted, to stand out, to feel the uniqueness and exclusivity. These expectations will pull you compulsively toward these thoughts and you lie there helpless with them, thinking and hoping that this time is different, that your head in their lap is not the same as their ex’s head in their lap, and vice versa. Yet in the end it is beautiful that you get to experience it: to love again, to breathe again, to be in each other’s arms. Is it any different? Hmm, maybe yes. It is, sweetheart, because despite all these questions and all this insecurity, trauma and hurt, you are both willing to make it work, because it is something you truly want despite the odds. It is tough, not as easy as the ones before, and it carries a lot of risk, but you are willing to take it, and maybe that is more love than the love that came easily. So my love, thank you for being in my life, thank you for choosing me, thank you for staying, for fighting and for prioritising me, thank you for taking the risk, thank you for making my life better, thank you for everything. I know you are reading this, and this letter will always be here as a reminder to you and to me that I love you more than I have loved anyone, and I simply love you, just as you love me the same. I will fight with everything I have to make this work; I promise you that. Thank you, butterfly.
