You helped me find my voice; left mute when our duet turned to silence

1. Melting My Heart

My relationship has been so much of an enlightening journey - it was not just a typical romantic bond between two people, but also carried tremendous healing, profound talks, awakening, self-discovery, and intellectuality. Overall, it resembled a close family bond yet was far from toxic. In that relationship, I learned many things - I saw her moving on from so many traumas, moving on from a lot of personal struggles, learning to laugh, learning to be happy after a long, long time. I saw myself coming into her life and helping her to get away from everything and keeping her in a safe place. I saw myself giving a lot. I saw myself as a little parent, guiding her, and coming up with all these ideas like "someone will come to save you," "the universe will send someone to heal you," "you will meet someone who will love you more than you can think." I mean, there were a lot of ideas of a healing journey because as I saw my partner moving on from her earlier relationship, all that journey was very inspiring and dramatic and spiritual and magical, as those things can't happen normally.

2.Confusion and Chaos When She Left

But now, since the same partner has gone from my life, in the true sense she left me. It's all very confusing. I have seen many people move on and have a lot of ideas about the journey of moving on, but that - that was really something I invested a lot in. But as of now no one seems to understand what chaos is going on inside me. I mean I am feeling a lot numb, confused, painful, angry, hollowed out, dissociated like a ghost in a machine. As usual I am writing a lot of blogs to really put my thoughts out and feel some relief while I am just going with the flow, and I know that every day a new philosophy, a new idea pops out in my brain and I just keep figuring maybe this, maybe this will give me some relief, maybe that will give me some relief, but nothing really does. And it's been a month. Truly from inside I have a lot of fear of my life getting ruined and all that mixed up makes my suffering more like hell. I literally want to study but I am not really able to focus and my constant tries are getting failed, but still I manage to do some. And when I see myself holding myself so tight it appears to me that "how fucking much I am broken." It just makes me feel like crying, and all those ideas of moving on really make it difficult to find what's the right path.

3. Suffocation And Sorrow

I really don't want someone except her but the idea of someone coming and healing me creates resistance from inside and brings an unknown pain that I can't understand what it is. It's like I don't want to repeat the same story which happened between me and her - me coming into her life and healing her, all that journey, all that story gives me a lot of pain and hurt. It's like if something starts to come even a little relatable to our story I resist it because with that, memories and hurt come from my past relationship and I feel so unlucky to feel like this, as her breakup was normal and mostly everyone's breakup is normal. Some people of the age at which I came into my relationship mostly come into a relationship with someone who is their age and it's also mostly a normal attachment to them, but with me she was older than me and also had a relationship before, but me - I was just new to the field of love and I gave it all, all of myself. I don't even have the option to move on normally because that story of moving reminds me of her. I have to live in pain and this solace will end for me one day. I thought getting someone who has the same intellectual level as me would get me some relief, or someone who understands me, but whenever I try to talk to someone all that pain returns and I can't even talk to anyone as the hurt comes back. Even if I manage that I have a constant feeling of cheating her if I even try to talk to someone and there are a lot of ways I have been trying but nothing works. Now it's just me, my loneliness and my love for her. I love you sweetheart, so much. Maybe someday you will feel that.