It's just now I am losing the battle with myself for my love. I was fighting everyday to not let you go, but I don't know if it's too soon or maybe I have been struggling for a long time without recognizing it. I have basically started to accept that you are gone and I can't force you to come back. At first I thought this phase would give me peace but it's not giving me peace, instead a pain which I can't define. It's just like the feeling of failure, failure in something which was meant to be my biggest battle in life. Maybe I will not fight this battle again because the opponent will never be strong enough to fight with me or get me down, because I have already lost with myself to retain what I am, to retain the alive me who loved you, who never wanted to let you go, who was ready to suffer that pain everyday and still care for you, breathe for you, live for you. It's so confusing because no matter how much I resist my love for you I can't lie to myself, it's always present down there. Maybe I am adapting to my pain and accepting that it's meaningless to try contacting and calling you back, letting you know how much I love you. You are so busy in your life, not knowing my state and maybe not able to understand, maybe thinking that I have moved on and doing fine in life. Well I'm trying but without you nothing makes sense. I'm just manipulating my mind to think that I'm at peace, I'm happy alone, it's all fine and with time it's the best I can achieve (learning to live alone). I'm just filling myself up with all kinds of self improvement and self care thoughts so that I can finally create a sense of self after you are gone and feel myself again, alive, not struggling. The urge to talk to you is now slowly fading because all this time when I have tried I have found nothing but disappointment, that no matter what you will never understand how it can all be fine because maybe you are happy and these things no longer make sense to you. When I look back and see my efforts of getting back to you, sticking to you when you didn't want to accept me or commit to me, I only find you hurting me thinking that all is justified and right. I agree maybe that was right for you, but someone who loves you more than himself or anything else in this world doesn't deserve to suffer in silence when he is not able to unlove you no matter how much he tries.
