Her dreams haunt me; it's insufferable. I have been suffocating for a while, hoping for this pain to be gone. I always start most of my journal-cum-blog writings about her by representing a time duration, for example: "it's been 8 months." Now it has been exactly 10 months since the moment I accepted our separation. As I always mention, things were going wrong for a long time, so it's been 10 months, and her dreams and sometimes her memories still haunt me. In the daytime, it's easy to run away from thoughts of her because I am good at escaping things. I make myself busy with meaningful tasks or sometimes important work, and every day I go to the gym and have an intense workout, which is a good escape. I have denied the fact of not moving on for 2-3 months. I am trying not to believe in it, meaning not believing that I have not moved on, but I know that I am just escaping, and this escape is going on and on. As I said, it's easy to distract myself from her in the daytime, but I don't have any control over my dreams, and I can't do anything about it. At first, there were no such dreams or very few occurrences of them, but recently they have started to get worse. I see the moments I spent with her in Delhi (where we usually met a lot) or very agonizing scenarios with her in them.
Today, I just had a dream. I don't know how it started, but I know how it ended. In this dream, I don't know why, but I called her after a long time (my brain was able to give me a feeling of that time). I called her, and she spoke. That voice—I can still feel that voice. It was her exact beautiful voice. It's still murmuring in my ears even after I woke up. So, we talked about random stuff. Maybe her first words were "Kya kar rha hai tu?" I asked her why we were talking, then I asked her about the weather in Delhi, and she told me that she is not there but on a trip to the Philippines. I remember there was a lot of anxiety and a sharp chest pain that was unbearable (while I was on the call with her in that dream). Maybe that pain was really manifesting in my body because I can still feel that anxiety. I don't know why, but I felt that she was with someone on that trip, and that was the reason for my severe anxiety. It was horrifying, and she started complaining, asking why I called her. The pain kept increasing, and I woke up. My heart was pounding so hard. I was so scared, and that sharp chest pain was still there. Man! It was horrifying.
I have read somewhere a beautiful quote:
"Do people really heal from their past?
Or
Do they pretend?
Pretend to an extent that they start believing the lie."
Now I wonder if that is true. Anyway, these nightmares are the reasons why I am now afraid to sleep. But maybe things will get better. I want things to get better. I want to live happily again.
